Record Review: The Handcuffs - Model for a Revolution

Rating: 0.9 / 10.0

It's hard to know where to begin, so I just did a track by track. The record sucks. Someone please teach these people how to write a chorus.

"Car Crash": I think I'd like this song better if it was the lead track to a good (or a decent) record. It's got some charm - the fuzzy guitars contrasted with the shuffling drums got my foot tapping, a vibrophone-tinged chorus with listenable harmonies, a punchy beat with sharp, snappy snare - the melody was a bit weak, but I forgave.

But as the rest of the record shows, everything that went right on this song was a) purely an accident, and b) gone forever. It's all downhill from here.

"All Shine On": The piano falls flatter than flat on this song, and singer Chloe F. Orwell bites off more than she can chew here (that is, trying to sing a melody). She doesn't have a pretty voice, so her voice isn't particularly well suited to this song. I hadn't lost all hope for this record at this point.

"Mickey 66": There are some bad choruses on this record, but I think this one takes the cake. What's really sad is that I think they probably envisioned this as "the hit" on the record. At this point, I knew the record could not and would not be salvaged.

"Can't Get the Girl": Relationship advice from Chloe F. Orwell:
-"If you want to get a little, you better have a lot."
-"You can't get the girl without the good stuff, baby"
-"A little bit of dough is more bang for your buck."
-"A good sense of humour might bring you good luck."
-"If you want all the goods, you better have a good trait. Add a little respect, and you might get laid."
-"The more you giveth, the more you receive."
-"If you want the good stuff, it never is free."
-"You can show me the money, you can play the part, but it won't mean a thing if it's not from the heart."

Put these vague, clichéd aphorisms into practice, and you will be irresistible to women. Thank Ms Orwell later.

"Love Me All the Way": This song sucks.

"Peggy Moffitt": "Peggy Moffitt, you're an inspiration, / original, not the imitation". I actually didn't order a side order of irony with my bad album, so can you take this song back? Oh yeah, the keyboard patch will piss you off if you notice it. In pointing out everything great about Moffitt - the fact that she was "ultra-modern, avant-garde," that she had "got it all," and that "we could never have too much of [her]," etc., The Handcuffs have simultaneously and unwittingly listed all their flaws as a band.

"I'm Not Laughing": If the Vines got the lead singer of the 5678s to sing for them...with ear plugs in so that she couldn't hear what key they were playing in, it would sound like this.

"Don't Be Afraid": "I Think I'm Paranoid" by Garbage called. It wants its sound back. Apparently the reverb-soaked, piano-polluted mess you called a chorus didn't convince anyone that you didn't rip off the other 97% of the song.

"Sex and Violins": I didn't need to be reminded that this pun existed.

"First Class Bossa Nova": Fifth class garbage. The spoken word breakdown is the lamest indulgence on an album that is one 40 minute, 21 second exercise in hackneyed rock-starisms.

"Beg Me Beg Me": I spent the entirety of the song, whether it was the awkwardly sexual, droning verses, or the punky, annoying staccato of Orwell's vocals in the atrocious chorus, begging her begging her to stop singing.

"Jet Baby": Ripping your piano track from Louis XIV is never ever a good idea (those octaves sound just like that one song Louis XIV wrote about having sex with a lot of chicks. You know which one I'm talking about).

-PTC